Let’s Talk About ‘Revenge Dating’ in Polyamory
I’ve come across a toxic phenomenon in the polyamory community which I would like to call “revenge dating”, which is when you date someone for the sole purpose of taking revenge on, or manipulating, someone else.
A classic example of revenge dating is one that I’ve found most frequently in relationships where one partner is struggling with polyamory more than the other person and experiencing extreme jealousy. As a direct consequence of this, this person decides to go on dates as well, but not because they actually desire polyamory – they are purely doing it to “get back” at their partner. The intention with revenge dating is not to experience love and connection with others, but to hurt their existing partner and ideally force them to experience the same pain that the person is feeling. The reason why I want to talk about this is because revenge dating hurts everyone involved.
Revenge dating hurts your relationships
Revenge dating is rooted in mononormative culture, and the idea that jealousy is an indication of love. We see often in the media people “testing” their partners while in relationships by pushing their boundaries, deliberately making them feel jealous, and finding it rewarding when their partners do indeed feel hurt from their actions because it proves how much they care. This toxic behaviour is seen as normal in monogamy, but it does not fly in polyamory.
It is simply not loving to desire to hurt your partner. Even if your actions have the intended effect (and they sometimes don’t: see below), this does nothing but breed resentment in your relationship. It is far more productive to communicate your feelings, seek reassurance and support from your partner, be honest about what you want and need, and find the tools to work through your jealousy.
Revenge dating hurts other people
People who date others for revenge against their partners often do not view the people they date as individuals with wants and needs, and are using them as a tool in their other relationships. This dehumanises and objectifies third parties who are brought into this and did not consent to being used as a pawn in their partner’s turbulent relationship with someone else. A common consequence of revenge dating for the third party is that they are often cast aside once their purpose has been served, with no regard for their needs or emotions. This is incredibly hurtful, and no one deserves to be treated in this way.
Revenge dating hurts yourself
Finally, in my experience, revenge dating often backfires. In cases where your partner is more prone to experiencing compersion than jealousy, you going on dates with the intent to hurt them will likely have the opposite effect. I once had a partner who talked excessively about his dates with someone else in an effort to make me feel jealous and hurt, but what he didn’t expect was me asking him even more questions about the date, getting happy and excited for him, and asking if I could help pick out an outfit and potential venues for future dates with this new person. This ended up frustrating and angering him even more than before, and ultimately did not solve his jealousy issues.
If you are experiencing jealousy, resist the urge to hurt your partner and lash out in unproductive ways. It can be difficult to be vulnerable about your feelings, but admitting and communicating them is the first step towards a healthier relationship. Most importantly, if you do not want to date other people, or if you do not want a polyamorous relationship, that is okay and nothing to be ashamed of. Be authentic about what you want, and seek others who can provide you with the happiness you need in your relationships.