Apologies Are For Other People, Not For You

A strange thing happened to me the other day. I received a notification of a new message request, and opened it to find a lengthy message from a girl who I was at school with a decade ago.

“I am not sure if you remember me,” it said. “I’ve recently been in touch with my faith again, and in the past years have had many near death experiences, which has led me to realise that I don’t ever want to leave this earth without asking for forgiveness from those I’ve hurt…”

She proceeded to apologise for a cyberbullying campaign she had launched against me when I moved schools 11 years ago. The page was called ‘I Hate [my name]’, and was filled with hateful comments from various kids from my old school, as well as kids who barely knew me at the school I’d just moved to, making fun of me on Facebook. It’s safe to say it wasn’t a good time for me.

I was always a bit odd as a child, and therefore an easy target. I was socially awkward, tried a little too hard academically to be “cool”, and being autistic definitely didn’t help. I don’t remember a time I wasn’t ostracised at school, and the Facebook hate page was just one of many instances I was bullied from age 6 to 16.

It had been so long that I had almost forgotten about these experiences – though truthfully, I’m not sure where the line is between forgetting and not allowing myself to remember. I was shocked and confused by this message, and didn’t know how to respond – so I consulted some partners and friends.

“Personally, I’d just forgive her but say you don’t wanna be friends,” said my anchor partner, L.

“Well, she bloody took her time,” said my friend, J. “I’d blank and block. If she’s looking for validation through faith and forgiveness, she can get it from a priest. That’s literally what a confessor is for. I find her message quite self-centred.”

“It’s weird she says she’s only apologising because she’s having a born again Christian moment,” added another partner, H. “Like, would she even feel bad if she didn’t think God was watching?”

Their opinions echoed my thoughts. I found it strange that even though she was asking for forgiveness from me, this woman had somehow managed to make this apology all about her and her faith. It seemed that the only reason she wanted me to forgive her was so she could feel better about herself, rather than because she genuinely wanted to repent for what she had done to me so many years ago. At any rate, I didn’t care about her, and wasn’t interested in friendship – her apology had come a decade too late.

After some thought, I sent her the following: “Honestly, I don’t even remember who you are, but I will say this to you. Are you looking for forgiveness to make you feel less guilty and because God is watching, or because you genuinely feel repentant for your actions? I’m not interested in being friends. I hope you find the forgiveness you’re looking for.”

In my relationships, I’ve apologised and been apologised to many times. The most genuine apologies, I find, are the ones where you let go of your personal pride, and really reflect on how the other person feels.

Apologies are only effective if they’re done for the person being apologised to, rather than the wrongdoer. It is selfish to ask for forgiveness from someone purely to absolve yourself of guilt, because it shows you care more about your own feelings than those of the person you hurt.