Emotional Libertarianism in Polyamory: Are We Responsible for Other People’s Feelings?
Emotional libertarianism, as defined by More Than Two, is “a belief that every individual is entirely responsible for his or her own emotional responses and that person’s behaviour is never the “cause” of another person’s emotion.” This concept is talked a lot about in polyamory, particularly in conversations around personal autonomy and boundaries. Most frequently, I’ve seen it come up a lot in discussions where couples are opening up a previously monogamous relationship, and one person is struggling with negative feelings around their partner dating and loving other people.
If you do something that leads to someone else feeling hurt, the common expectation is to apologise for what you have done and, where appropriate, to make reparations for your actions that led to that hurt. However, when taken to an extreme, people can twist this by blaming all their negative feelings on someone else’s actions, essentially making them responsible for their emotional state to an unreasonable extent. In a past relationship of mine, my ex had some extreme attachment issues, and would constantly guilt-trip me for spending any time without him due to his fear of abandonment. This emotionally abusive and exhausting relationship deteriorated to the point where I would feel guilty for spending time on my hobbies or even with my own family, because I knew that doing so would directly lead to him throwing a tantrum that I didn’t care about him.
Against this backdrop, emotional libertarianism can feel quite freeing. The concept does have some merits: it champions individual autonomy, motivates people to work through their own trauma independently, and discourages people from becoming overly reliant on their partners for emotional reassurance. However, as with anything, this can be toxic when taken to an extreme and used as a tool for abuse. Some people use emotional libertarianism as a way to dodge responsibility or accountability for their actions, to punish their partners for feeling entirely reasonable and human feelings as a result of toxic abuse, and to manipulate their partners into suppressing their negative emotions so as to keep their partner happy and not appear “controlling”.
With all this in mind, where exactly is the line? How do we honour our personal autonomy, while also being compassionate and caring to our partners?
Actions have consequences, however unintentional
With autonomy comes responsibility, but not in the ways you may think. While we are autonomous individuals who can do whatever we want, I think we also have to accept that our actions have consequences, and have the potential to directly influence how other people feel, even if the results were not what you intended. We do not live in a vacuum, and sometimes the things we do have unforeseen repercussions. An example would be if you went out on a date with someone else, and came home to find your partner in tears from a jealousy attack while you were away. While we cannot take responsibility for other people’s feelings because we ultimately cannot control how other people choose to feel, we are responsible for our actions and how they may affect others. Being in a relationship with someone suggests that you care about them to some extent, and one would hope that people who love each other would try their very best not to hurt each other, are committed to not exacerbating each other’s pain and suffering when it is expressed, and endeavour to create spaces where their partners feel safe and loved. This means we have to own up to mistakes when we have made them, instead of trying to shift blame onto others. In cases where the hurt was unintentional, acknowledging the impact of your actions and holding space for your partner to process their feelings can go a long way, and practising empathy and compassion for your partner is key.
Talk about your needs for care and support early on
Different people have different needs when it comes to giving and receiving care from their partners. One thing that my anchor partner does very well is that he is able to share his problems with me, without necessarily making them my problem as well. He informs me of his struggles so that I am kept in the loop of what is going on in his life, but beyond that, I am not expected or obligated to talk through his feelings, because most of the time, that is not what he needs or wants from me. I, on the other hand, prefer to talk about my problems with my loved ones and solve them through collaborative discussion; however, I recognise that not everyone has the time or energy for this, so I try to spread it out amongst people who have the capacity to do so and genuine willingness to help, such family, friends, and occasionally helpful strangers in polyamory discussion groups. I ask for what I need from people, but I never feel entitled to it, and I am grateful for the people in my life who do share their time and energy with me when I am struggling.
Some people have the emotional capacity to help others with processing their feelings about a situation and enjoy doing so, while others do not for a wide variety of reasons. Some people may view someone else sharing their problems with them as a nuisance and a burden, while others view it as a privilege and a gift that their partners can be so vulnerable and trusting with them to ask for their help and advice. When dealing with negative emotions, some people prefer to receive emotional reassurance from their partners, while others prefer direct advice and practical solutions. Some prefer to externalise and share their issues with other people, while others prefer to internalise and go away to handle their feelings on their own. There is no right or wrong answer as to how much care should be given or received, and it is merely an issue of compatibility between people. It’s important to talk about what you are able to give to a relationship and what you would like to receive, in order to avoid mismatched expectations and feelings of entitlement.
When setting boundaries and making relationship agreements with our partners, those boundaries and agreements have to be honoured in order for trust to build and flourish. If you cannot stick to certain agreements for whatever reason, then talk about renegotiating them so you can find a solution that works for all parties. If there isn’t a solution that works for all parties, then that will just lead to unhappiness, resentment, or a breakup later down the line. So if you fail to communicate, deliberately disrespect your partner’s boundaries in the name of personal autonomy, and proceed to tell your partner their feelings are not your problem, don’t be surprised if your partner doesn’t stick around, and uses their personal autonomy to end their relationship with you.
Contextualise your partner’s feelings and reactions
Circling back to empathy and compassion, viewing your partner’s reactions to situations within the context of trauma they have experienced may give you some insight into why they are struggling in the way that they are. It is this knowledge that can sometimes help reframe someone’s reactions that may, at first glance, seem completely irrational. For example, someone who has a history with neglectful parents or cheating partners may struggle with jealousy attacks more often than people who do not. People with certain mental illnesses or disorders, like anxiety or BPD, may also respond differently to situations; for example, I myself am autistic, and as a child would get extremely upset by small changes to my routine in ways that neurotypical people would not.
How much leniency you decide to exercise in light of your partner’s trauma or personal issues, and how much you wish to change your behaviour or beliefs to accommodate those things out of consideration, is completely up to you. This is a fine balance to strike, with no one-size-fits-all answer. However, while it is important to be mindful of personal differences between yourself and your loved ones, it is also important not to excuse their behaviour to an unreasonable extent. For example, if your partner proceeds to verbally harass you for making a genuine mistake, or use you as their personal therapist or an emotional crutch, at some point that would be unreasonable, exhausting, and even abusive. Respect your partner’s boundaries, but do not disrespect your own in the process.
Above all, be kind
Ethics is sticky, and there will almost always be an exception to every rule. At the end of the day, while someone’s feelings may not be your obligation or responsibility to manage, it is kind to help them with processing their feelings if you have the capacity and willingness to do so. It’s also important to not get too caught up in your pride and let it get in the way of you comforting or apologising to someone, or to ignore your partner’s feelings in favour of logically justifying your actions. If I accidentally bump into a stranger on the street and they fall over, I say “sorry”, not because I wanted to hurt them, but because of the impact of my actions and the hurt that resulted from it. It’s easy to think, “I don’t have to apologise, because this situation wasn’t my fault,” but are you really going to tell someone that they shouldn’t have been there in the first place, or that their pain is entirely their problem? Probably not.
I enjoy communicating compassionately with my partners, developing mutual understanding, respect, and consideration, and getting as much out of my relationships as the effort I put into them. Being kind and loving takes humility and vulnerability, but it is exactly those things that lead to supportive and fulfilling relationships.
