What’s the Difference Between Polyamory, Polygamy, and Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Polyamory, polygamy, and ethical non-monogamy are conflated with each other all the time. This problem comes up quite often on my page and the Internet in general, so this post provides a full clarification as to what each term means, and why they are so often confused.
The difference between polygamy and polyamory
Poly (many) + gamy (marriage) = polygamy
Poly (many) + amory (love) = polyamory
That’s the simplest distinction between the two. Polygamy involves marriage, polyamory involves love. Polygamy is illegal in most parts of the world, and in countries where it is legal, polygamy is often associated with religion; examples include plural marriage in Mormonism, or in traditional Islam where men can marry up to four women. While polygamy can refer to multiple people being married to each other regardless of gender, in the vast majority of cases where it occurs, it is one man to multiple women, who usually do not have the same right to marry multiple people themselves. Within polygamy, marrying multiple women is polygyny (many + woman), and marrying multiple men is polyandry (many + men).
Polyamory, meanwhile, is an egalitarian arrangement where everyone can have as many romantic partners as they want. There are no restrictions on individuals based on who they’re partnered with, and people are free to express their sexuality regardless of gender (which is why the One Penis/Vagina Policy is so frowned upon in polyamorous circles). Legally speaking, while loving multiple people is technically legal, polyamorous people are not a protected class under most legal systems, and there is no legal way to formalise one’s romantic commitment to multiple people.
Polygamy and polyamory are often confused, firstly because they are very similar words, and secondly because we use “monogamy” (one + marriage) to refer to any arrangement where two people agree to love only each other, regardless of whether they are married or not! Technically speaking, if two people are not married, it should be “monoamory” (one + love), not monogamy, but you are likely to confuse even more people by using that word in an effort to be pedantic. Society shapes the meanings of words, and so the two relationship styles are monogamy/polyamory, not monogamy/polygamy or monoamory/polyamory.
The difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy
Polyamory is one type of relationship style that falls under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy. So, all polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, but not all ethical non-monogamy is polyamory. Polyamory specifically refers to multiple loving relationships, whereas ethical non-monogamy is any arrangement where people have multiple consensual romantic, sexual, and/or intimate connections.
The reason why people specify their non-monogamy is “ethical” is to distinguish from cases where people go behind their partner’s backs and lie about having other partners, i.e. cheating. Ethical non-monogamy (often shortened to ENM) is ethical because everyone knows what is going on and consents to the arrangement. You might also see the term consensual non-monogamy (CNM), which is basically another way to refer to the same type of practices, but is less commonly used in everyday speech. Poly.Land wrote a great article about why they prefer to use CNM over ENM.
Types of polyamory (which are all ENM/CNM) include:
Hierarchical polyamory: a couple is deemed the “primary” relationship, and that connection is prioritised over any other “secondary” romantic relationships each half of the couple have. Rules may be put in place in order to preserve this hierarchy and limit secondary connections, such as the exercise of veto power (where each half of the couple is allowed to force the other half to end a secondary relationship for whatever reason), or explicit agreements on time spent with secondary partners, the type of sex one can have with secondary partners, what to do in the event of a pregnancy with a secondary, and so on.
Non-hierarchical polyamory: everyone involved is treated as an individual who has equal rights to everyone else, and there is no focus on a “couple” pair bond.
Polyfidelity: a specific arrangement where three or more people agree to be romantically committed to only each other, and not to seek new partners. This is similar to monogamy, which is a closed relationship between two people, except polyfidelity has more than two.
Solo polyamory: an individual does not wish to be part of a couple, to be tied to any hierarchical arrangements, or to ride the “relationship escalator” of love -> cohabitation -> marriage -> children. Instead, this individual has multiple romantic relationships without the expectation of any of these things. Some solo polyamorous people see themselves as their own primary, and conduct their relationships while still viewing themselves as “single”. This type of polyamory is best suited for people who greatly value their own independence.
Other types of ENM/CNM (which are not polyamory) include:
Swingers: people in committed romantic relationships who participate in casual, recreational sex with other couples or singles. Swinging commonly involves “partner swapping” and group sex, such as one half of a couple joining another couple for a threesome, or both couples having a foursome together.
Monogamish: people in committed romantic relationships who are primarily monogamous, but will occasionally dabble in casual sex if the opportunity arises. This is different from swinging, as monogamish people make outside connections the exception rather than the norm e.g. giving “hall passes” to their partner for casual sex.
Open relationships: people in committed romantic relationships who are free to date other people. In everyday speech, it is commonly understood that the two halves of the couple are romantically monogamous, but sexually non-monogamous. However, some people, such as the author Kathy Labriola, use “open relationships” to refer to multiple romantic connections as well.
Relationship anarchy: this is more of a life philosophy rather than a lifestyle choice, but is worth including in this list. For a complete summary of relationship anarchy (RA), please read this fantastic instructional manifesto by Andie Nordgren. In essence, RA is the idea that romantic relationships should not be ranked as inherently more important than sexual/platonic relationships, that each individual connection should be treated on a case-by-case basis, and that people should customise their connections according to what works best for each pair bond rather than adhering to societal expectations of how a relationship should function.
How do you identify yourself, and how do you conduct your relationships?
