Why You Should Disclose Polyamory in Your Dating Profiles
Dating apps are a raging hellscape as they are, but especially more so when you are polyamorous. Of the most commonly used dating apps, OKCupid is the only one that specifically caters to non-monogamous people, and the many attempts to launch poly-specific dating apps have, in my opinion, not taken off to the extent that they would be worth using. Therefore, for the most part, polyamorous people are forced to operate in mostly monogamous dating pools.
A very common new-to-poly question that is asked in polyamorous circles is when and how to bring up that you’re polyamorous to a potential date. The answer, in my opinion, is and should always be basically immediately, no questions asked. If you met via a dating app, it is good practice to disclose before you meet up for a first date. If you met someone in a scenario where a date was not arranged beforehand and things are getting flirty, disclose as early as possible, ideally before you have sex.
Personally, I have “in an open, polyamorous relationship” as the first sentence on my dating profile. People tend to understand “open relationship” far better than just “polyamorous”, so I hedge my bets by stating both, which has worked well for me. In the past, stating “polyamorous” seems to have given potential matches the impression that I only engage in group sex, or that I am unicorn hunting. Alternatively, people just don’t understand what they’ve read, and ghost me once I explain over message.
Still, it is good practice to disclose that you’re polyamorous as early as you can in the relationship, for several reasons.
The fact is that non-monogamy/polyamory is not the norm, and the expectations that come with such a relationship are therefore different. It’s on you to be honest about that to let people know that there is a high likelihood you may not see eye-to-eye on fundamental relationship values.
Even if you don’t view disclosing as a personal/ethical responsibility, it is good practice to talk about relationship expectations early on in a connection with someone. It’s healthy to talk about what you want (and don’t want), and where the connection can potentially go. Relationship check-ins are not exclusive to romantic connections, and it’s good to make sure you’re on the same page!
A lot of monogamous people date around and/or have casual sex with multiple people before picking one to begin a monogamous relationship with, and a lot of initially casual arrangements transition and escalate to full relationships. If you’re polyamorous, and your casual partner is does want a monogamous relationship with someone eventually, it’s important to discuss whether either of you want to sleep with someone you don’t have the same relationship orientation as to avoid mismatched expectations and potential heartbreak.
If you don’t disclose that you’re polyamorous in your dating profile, you might get more matches, but ultimately you’re wasting your time in the long run! Dating can be a time-consuming process if you’re spending it on people who ultimately don’t want the same things you do, and you will end up hurting others as well as yourself in the process. I have heard too many stories where people weren’t upfront about being polyamorous, who invested time, money, and energy into people they cared about, only to get dumped when they found out and got (justifiably!) angry for the omission.
As for how you disclose being polyamorous, the best way to do it is not to beat around the bush. Here are some paraphrased messages that I’ve sent on dating apps:
“Hi! In case you didn’t read my profile, I am polyamorous. This means that I prefer to engage in multiple relationships where everyone consents to what is going on. Please let me know if you have any questions!”
“Before we go any further, I want to let you know that I am polyamorous. I hope that is not a dealbreaker for you, because I would really like to go on a date with you, but if it is I totally understand! Feel free to ask me anything about it.”
“I’ve really enjoyed talking to you so far, and I think we should have a conversation about our expectations going forward. I stated in my profile that I am polyamorous. Are you open to dating someone who has other romantic partners? What sort of connection are you looking for on this app?”
As a polyamorous person operating in a mostly monogamous dating pool, it can be extremely frustrating to have to explain your situation over and over again, only to be met with rejection most of the time. However, an even worse scenario would be leading someone on into thinking you’re someone you’re not, only to be rejected with far less understanding (and probably far more anger). Do yourself a favour, and disclose your polyamory in your profiles. It’s the right and efficient thing to do.
