Where Are The Non-FFM Polyamorous Triads?
A common complaint I see on the internet when it comes to polyamory is, “Why is it always one man and two women?” While there are definitely many MMF/FMF, FFF, and MMM triads out there, as well as many non-triad polyamorous relationships (such as Vs, quads, solo poly individuals, and complex polycules of literally any configuration) and polyamorous relationships with non-binary people in them, it is true that the majority of polyamorous people we see in the media are FFM – see You Me Her, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, and Trigonometry.
I was motivated to write this article breaking down the reasons for this phenomenon after this polyamorous TikTok video made the rounds on the internet. As you might expect, opinions were incredibly divided, but I noticed a large group of people who commented on the fact that there was only one man in the video. “Everytime I see polyamory is just some dude using like 5 women”, tweeted one. “i assure you there’s nothing progressive, radical or revolutionary about a man having multiple women, try suggesting you get a bf on the side and see how woke he’ll be”, said another. Most articulately, this point was made: “The issue with this is that it’s all *series of happy emojis* until it’s “my girlfriend wanted another boyfriend” then it’s *series of angry emojis*. Guys only want polyamory when it’s them & a bunch of women; they don’t want polyamory they want a fantasy harem.”
Obviously, these tweets were massively extrapolating from an otherwise wholesome video (as I pointed out, the video doesn’t confirm if the guy is dating all the other women at all, and it seems more likely that only the two women in the middle are dating more than one person!), but they did make some very valid points. I wanted to comment on this based on my own personal experiences and observations as a bisexual woman in the polyamorous community, and speculate on why we don’t see many polyamorous arrangements involving more than one man.
More bisexual women are ‘out’ than bisexual men
Biphobia is rampant regardless of gender, but there is an undeniable split in how people treat bisexual men versus bisexual women. In my personal experience as a bisexual woman, bisexual women are more likely to be ‘out’ than bisexual men due to sociocultural attitudes around bisexuality. There is a pervasive misconception that bisexual women are just straight girls having fun and experimenting with their sexuality, and are therefore more socially accepted, whereas bisexual men are just secretly gay, which contributes to stigma against bisexual men. (I also don’t think it’s an accident that in both cases, people validate attraction towards men, but not women.) Bisexual women are also seen as more desirable, while bisexual men are seen as less so – for example, I noticed an immediate uptick in the number of dating app matches immediately after I made “Bisexual Woman” visible in my profile, whereas a bisexual male friend of mine experienced the exact opposite when he put down “Bisexual Man”.
Additionally, most of the bisexual people you see in the media are women, and conversations about bisexuality generally focus on women more than men. This lack of visibility and representation for bisexual men also contributes to fewer bisexual men being open about their sexuality. Bisexual women are portrayed as liberated and empowered individuals, whereas bisexual men are stereotyped as unethical liars and cheaters. In my own experiences dating my first boyfriend, who was bisexual, I was constantly told by friends and family that he would cheat on me with a man, or that he was lying about being into women at all, despite the fact that I was also bisexual. Research conducted by Stonewall actually showed that bisexual men are less likely to be out than gay men, and are more likely to self-harm than gay men.
Because of the fact that there are more ‘out’ bisexual women than bisexual men, this means there are more bisexual women getting into relationships with different genders in FFM triads. Fewer bisexual men being open about being bisexual contributes to fewer MMF triads. Additionally, the media tends to focus on triads more than any other polyamorous dynamic, because it is far easier to explain and visually represent than couples who date separately, or solo poly individuals. This means we hardly ever get to see polycules with multiple men, because of the overrepresentation of triads in polyamory-related content.
Women-women relationships are commodified and fetishised for the male gaze
Relationships between women often aren’t taken very seriously, and are oversexualised in the media for male consumption. ‘Lesbian’ is a consistently popular porn category, and in the media more generally, relationships between women are often reduced to steamy sex scenes and not much else. Enjoying queer representation in the media often becomes a double-edged sword for me; while I do rejoice at the greater prevalence of portrayals of queer desire in TV shows and films, I sometimes worry that these scenes are merely marketing ploys to get men to buy tickets and subscriptions to watch two women making out on screen under the guise of ‘visibility’. In the polyamorous content I have consumed, I have also noticed a trend towards focusing on sex between the women far more than anything else.
In reality, there probably are more non-FFM arrangements that we think, but the media doesn’t really focus on those. This might be because they want to present the most palatable version of polyamory they possibly can to mononormative society, which often means catering to the male gaze. Unfortunately, this means there are plenty of men who have tried to force their female partners into threesomes and triads against their will to satisfy their own sexual fantasies, and not really thinking about their partners’ own needs, wants, and sexual agency.
One Penis Policies are unfortunately all too common
Men are often reluctant to unpack their insecurities around other men, and instead decide to exert control over their female partners by demanding that they only sleep with other women, but not men, so that they can avoid dealing with their issues. This is called a One Penis Policy and is generally seen as unethical behaviour. (The reverse of this, a One Vagina Policy, also happens but is far less common.) There have been countless articles written about how the One Penis Policy is toxic, and generally speaking, there are three main points: it is misogynistic because it is often based on the subconscious belief that men ‘own’ their women, and that other women are incapable of ‘stealing their woman away’ like men are; it is homophobic because the man does not see relationships or sex between women as ‘real’ or valid, and therefore unthreatening; and it is transphobic because it focuses needlessly on banning other people with penises from touching your partner, which begs the question of what the rules are around trans, non-binary, and intersex individuals. Spoiler alert: just because a woman (usually) doesn’t have a dick, it doesn’t mean she can’t ‘steal your girl’.
To be clear, I am not saying that all FFM triads are secretly One Penis Policies – there are many good reasons why a woman wouldn’t want to date more than one man. However, what I am saying is that perhaps the reason why we don’t see other configurations more often is partly because a lot of men cannot handle their female partners dating other men, whether out of personal insecurity or having to face up to societal judgment. Whenever I see relationships involving a woman dating more than one man, I always see comments about how both men are being “cucked” and that they “deserve their own woman”. This happens far less if the woman is only dating other women, and is probably due to the widespread subconscious belief that non-penetrative sex isn’t ‘real sex’, and that therefore, you can’t “cuck” someone if you don’t own a penis. (I also dislike the fact that “cuck” is used as an insult in the first place, but that’s a story for another time.)
It is my belief that the One Penis Policy is patriarchal polygyny masquerading as egalitarian polyamory. There is a very big difference between a woman choosing to only date one man out of free will and personal choice, and a man forcibly demanding that his penis be the only penis the women he dates can let inside them.
To be very clear, there is obviously nothing wrong with FFM triads, and I have seen many happy and healthy relationships out there spreading lots of polyamory positivity, which I wholeheartedly support. The aim of this article is to explain the possible reasons behind the prevalence of FFM triads in polyamorous representation in the media, not to denigrate FFM triads (or indeed triads in general). Polyamory can indeed be a liberating experience for all genders, but the patriarchy can sometimes sneakily rear its ugly head, even in supposedly ‘woke’ dynamics, and it is therefore important to remain critical and vigilant.