So You Want To Be A Unicorn: A Guide to Dating Polyamorous Couples

I've written about unicorn hunting in the past, but I realised that I've never made a resource for people who self-identified as unicorns. So, here is a guide from me. Knowing the difference between triad-seeking couples and unicorn hunters will save yourself a lot of drama and heartbreak in the long run.

What is a unicorn?

A unicorn is a person who is willing to join an existing couple to form a polyamorous triad. The label is most commonly used for single bisexual women who join heterosexual couples, but unicorns can be of any sexuality or relationship status.

Triads usually form organically. A person dates one half of a couple, and then begins a separate relationship with the other half later on with no expectations or pressure. However, if you are specifically interested in dating couples simultaneously, here is a list of red flags to be aware of so you can protect yourself.

"We want to add a person to our relationship."

Keep in mind that you are not being 'added' to a relationship, but forming two brand new relationships with two people. A triad isn't a couple+third, but four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and A+B+C all together. Each relationship must be individually nurtured for long-term success. Make sure your needs, desires, and boundaries are also being considered when deciding how you want the triad to work, instead of being forced to 'fit' an existing dynamic that you had no voice in creating.

"We always come first."

Couples, particularly those who are new to polyamory, may get competitive or threatened over potentially losing their status as the most important person to their partner. They may insist on wanting to be each other's primary partners while relegating you to secondary status, and each half of the couple may enforce this by restricting your time with their partner, never letting you be alone with their partner, and pushing you out whenever their relationship gets rocky and an important decision needs to be made. This is fine if it's what you want as well, but make sure it's something you agreed and consented to rather than something that they decided for you.

Sometimes, you may run into "sneakyarchy" - where a couple says they don't do hierarchy, but all their actions tell you otherwise. As the new person entering this dynamic, your presence has the potential to create a lot of tension. If you find yourself being ignored as soon as there are problems in the couple's relationship, be aware that a power imbalance is at play. Look out for signs that you aren't being treated equally and assess whether being constantly deprioritised is something you are truly comfortable with.

"We want to protect our relationship."

This is related to the above point about the couple constantly putting their relationship above either of their relationships with you. If you are dealing with a couple who are in the middle of opening up their relationship, you may find that they are extremely insecure about the loss of their couple identity, and will do anything to keep it intact. The thing is, opening a relationship fundamentally changes it, and there are bound to be growing pains. Polyamory is not just "monogamy plus", but a whole new relationship dynamic that upends the foundations of a relationship. This is very scary territory for everyone involved, but if you find yourself in a situation where the couple views you as a disturbance to their relationship's stability, you risk being dumped as soon as they feel threatened by you in any way. Couples who are committed to an equal triad include you in conversations, allow the new person to make decision with them as a group, and are not afraid of embracing change.

"You must love us both equally."

No two people are the same, and therefore, no two relationships are completely equal. Make sure that your relationship with each person is free to grow at its own pace, and be wary of any tit-for-tat demands to preserve 'equality'. Examples of this could be demands from the couple that if one half of the couple gets a date, the other gets one too. Sometimes, couples may even keep track of the time you spend with each half down to the hour, or insist that they go to the same places and do the same activities to keep everything exactly the same. All of these things suggest that the couple is struggling with disentanglement and viewing themselves as two individuals as opposed to a single unit, which will hinder you from creating two uniquely beautiful and authentic relationships with both of them. If you're in a situation where you feel like a toy being passed between two people, with no say on whether you actually want to spend time with either of them, it's time to think about whether this is the best situation for you.

"You can only have threesomes with us."

Threesomes are super fun, but if you're not 'allowed' to have sex with either of them without the other person being there (and they can regularly have sex without you), think about whether this double standard is something you want long-term. Even the novelty of group sex can wear off after a while, and you may grow to resent the couple for not giving you the same privileges that they have always afforded each other.

This comes back to the "four relationships" statement I mentioned above - each relationship has to be individually nurtured, and that includes in the bedroom. This can also be extended to other things like you never being allowed to hang out with just one half of the couple, or you not being allowed to have new experiences in your relationships unless everyone is present.

"You can't date anyone else apart from us."

This is more of a yellow flag than a red one as a desire for a closed triad is totally valid, but some couples may instil this rule because they think that banning you from dating anyone apart from them will mean that they can avoid experiencing jealousy. The reality is that no relationship dynamic, not even monogamy, is free from jealousy, and a couple who does everything they can to avoid it are ultimately trying to dodge facing their insecurities and failing to grow as a result. Additionally, if you are given a secondary role in the triad, does it seem fair to you that they get to be each other's primaries, while you are stripped of the choice to also have someone who prioritises you? Assess if that is something you would be comfortable with.

Be similarly wary if the couple you are dating does allow you to date others, but only people of a certain gender or who have certain genitals. Most commonly, the male half of a heterosexual couple may demand that both of the women he dates can only date other women but not men, or demand that they not let any other penises inside them except for his. I've written about the One Penis Policy before, and the roots of this demand are ultimately misogynistic ("I own my women, and no man can take them from me"), homophobic ("Women aren't capable of stealing my women, because their love isn't real and therefore unthreatening to me compared to men"), and transphobic ("Trans men/women aren't real men/women because they don't/do have penises like me."). The other version of this rule, the One Vagina Policy, is similarly rooted in insecurity over one's gender or performance in bed.

"If you don't like our rules, you can leave."

Watch out for rules that are imposed on you even if you don't agree with them or if they don't work for you. You deserve a voice in decisions that directly affect you. If couples say "listen to us, or else", they're wasting your time. Even if the decisions they make do work for you right now, there is no guarantee that they won't change in the future; when that happens, and they no longer work for you, you risk being dumped as your needs will not be considered. Threats and manipulation have no place in any relationship dynamic, and a couple who demand that you treat their decisions as law give you no choice but to submit to their demands and sacrifice your needs in the process.

This may all sound very disheartening and even horrifying. However, there is hope out there. Being in a triad is an amazing, fulfilling experience, because you get to love two people who also love each other. Be wary of unicorn hunters, and try to find the ethical couples out there - they do exist, you just need to know where to look. Good luck!