Polyamory, Jealousy, and the ‘Buffet Analogy’
When assessing whether your jealousy is healthy or toxic, I like to compare it to eating at a buffet.
Imagine a situation where the love/time/attention of your partner is the food, and you and your metamours are the guests at the buffet, feeding on this valuable resource. If you’ve had enough food and are feeling happy and satisfied with your meal, you wouldn’t mind other people taking the rest of the food and having their fill too. But if other people ate all the food and you haven’t had enough, of course you’d feel jealous! You’re still hungry!
You could go to a different buffet and get your fill of food – and sometimes that does work if you’re just hungry. Other times, other buffets may not satisfy you in the same way because the food is different – like having Italian food when you’re specifically craving Chinese.
Not having enough food is like not having a need met. And different people require different amounts/types of food in polyamory. Your jealousy is healthy if it is genuinely warning you about something you need to address. Other times, it acts like an oversensitive fire alarm.
Toxic jealousy in polyamory would be like being a vegetarian at a buffet and keeping everyone else from having the meat, even though you don’t want or need it. Or having the entire buffet to yourself, even if it’s too much food for you and the rest would just go to waste.
So next time you’re feeling jealous in polyamory, assess whether it’s because there’s something you want that you’re not getting, and think about how to get that need met. Is the food that you want available at the buffet you’re at? How are you going to ask for it? Communicate!
Additionally, assess whether your partner has the capacity to fulfill that need, or if you are able to fulfill it somewhere else. You wouldn’t go to a buffet that’s at full capacity and ask for a table, or ask for meat at a vegan buffet – it won’t be possible to get it.
And if you are having enough food but are still reluctant for others to have the rest of the buffet, ask yourself why. Is it because you’re scared you won’t get a table at the buffet in future, or that you’ll get kicked out because you think the other guests are better than you?
Sometimes, our partners get different things out of their time with other people, and get to explore a different part of themselves. Some people love to feast at the dessert section while others focus on the salads. Nothing is being taken away from you – it’s just different food!
The difference between healthy and toxic jealousy is the difference between being hungry for what you need, and being possessive of what you have. Love is abundant, but time and energy aren’t. Make sure everyone has their fill, cultivate a generous mindset, and grow together.
*This post was originally a Twitter thread. You can find it here.
