I’m Autistic and Polyamorous. Here’s Why It Works For Me.
April is Autism Awareness Month, so I thought I’d talk about what it’s like being autistic and polyamorous. I realised there weren’t a huge number of resources about autism and polyamory, and decided it was time to talk about my personal experiences.
I was diagnosed with autism when I was 5 years old. According to my parents, I was exceedingly odd as a child, which is why I got such an early diagnosis. Women often struggle to get diagnosed compared to men – in fact, at one point in time, there was a misconception that autistic women didn’t even exist – because most studies on autism focused on men while the condition presented differently in women. Moreover, autistic women are much better at ‘social masking’ (i.e. mimicking neurotypical individuals as a way to camouflage and fit in) which makes it less obvious that they are struggling and harder to diagnose. Autism is not an ‘illness’ that can be ‘cured’, nor is it a choice – it’s just another way a brain can be wired, like being gay or trans. As for polyamory, I realised that monogamy wasn’t for me when I was 17 years old after my first ever relationship ended, and fully embraced alternative relationships; it’s been nearly five years, and I haven’t looked back since.
Being autistic benefits my polyamory, and being polyamorous benefits my autism – I love and embrace both identities and see them as inherently tied. I also see my autism as tied to my queerness – gender, like monogamy, was a concept that never really made sense to me, and I was more than willing to throw the traditional societal scripts out the window so I could write my own. The queer and polyamorous communities both embrace being unconventional in a way that gives me a sense of belonging. I feel most at home among other groups that are frequently ostracised by society.
However, please keep in mind that I don’t speak for the entire autistic community. As the saying goes, “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person”, and I want to emphasise that there are plenty of autistic people who aren’t polyamorous or queer, or who won’t relate to anything I say in this article at all. Having said that, there are many misconceptions about what autistic people are like and what they can do – many people think we lack empathy or emotion, or have no sexual or romantic desires. I’m here to show you that these stereotypes are not true at all. Autism is not only not a hindrance, but a gift to practising polyamory.
Social conventions have always been a confusing mystery to me. For example, everyone has different definitions of cheating, but at the same time, no one talks about exactly what cheating is in the relationships they’re in, which leads to a lot of misunderstandings. An ex-boyfriend was angry at me for spending too much time with a male friend, and I was confused because we had never discussed that as a relationship agreement. Jealousy was another thing that made me scratch my head – why would I feel possessive of someone being happy with someone else, when I knew that they loved me, and all I wanted was for them to be happy? I often found myself having to perform jealousy in situations because it was the reaction that people wanted from me, which was doubly difficult because I expressed my emotions in a different way from other people due to my autism. When my first boyfriend (and my only monogamous relationship) was the lead role in a school play and kissed my classmate on stage, people expected me to throw a fit about it when in reality I was completely okay with it. Later, when he cheated on me with a man, I was more angry that he had lied to me than the fact that he had had sex, and the first thing I asked him was why he didn’t just tell me he wanted to sleep with men and talk about it with me first.
Polyamory means I can design my relationships to look however I want without worrying about what is ‘normal’ or expected of me, and I never need to rely on assumptions. I can communicate explicitly with my partners and make clear agreements about what is and isn’t okay in our relationships. I’m not expected to know about any unspoken rules that other people just naturally ‘get’ and I don’t. It’s incredibly liberating to be able to do my own thing, and I have found it far easier to just start from scratch instead of thinking of ways to modify or diverge from relationship norms. Moreover, radical honesty is key to polyamory, which is deeply comforting to me. Being able to express my needs as clearly and bluntly as possible means that there is no room for misunderstanding and we are all on the same page.
Another benefit that polyamory brings is that it involves a lot of scheduling and organising, and order is where I thrive. I love organising events and dates with my partners and paying attention to small details, colour-coding my calendar, and making spreadsheets and lists. Contrary to the misconception that autistic people are antisocial introverts, I am surrounded by friends and am extremely social and extroverted – though, granted, almost all of my friends are some type of neurodivergent and are therefore more likely to ‘get’ my quirks. Another thing is that polyamorous people tend to be extremely passionate about polyamory, and relationships in general – most polyamorists I’ve met are obsessed with relationship psychology, attachment theory, love languages, personal growth, and various personality tests. They love talking about it all the time, learning more about it, and diving into deep discussions about it. This suits me, because polyamory is my ‘special interest’; most autistic people have an intense and passionate level of focus on certain topics, which can range from advanced chemistry to Aztec history to random facts about sharks. I think a big reason I get on with polyamorous people is that they’re ‘relationship nerds’, just like me!
On a practical level, knowing that I don’t need to be everything to my partners takes a lot of pressure off me and prevents me from feeling overwhelmed and stifled. Polyamory is a great way for me to combat my obsessive tendencies and thought spirals. And if I do feel overwhelmed, I feel safe to retreat or withdraw without worrying about it majorly affecting my partners, because our polycule is a solid support system that continues to function even if someone temporarily ‘taps out’. A funny and unconventional example of this is how I behave in group sex situations. I am a highly sexual person and love attending and organising sex parties. I sometimes enjoy group sex more than sex with just one person, because even if I want to stop in the middle of it, the other people can continue without me. It’s so great to be able to go from experiencing intensely pleasurable sensations to going, “Hey everyone, I’m overheating and feeling a little overstimulated, so is it okay if I sit out to cool down and watch you for a bit until I’m ready to go again? Does anyone want a cup of tea?”
Overall, I see my autism as a gift that is extremely compatible with my polyamorous nature. I can customise my connections in a way that truly serves everyone’s needs, and communicate honestly and transparently without expectations or judgment. The way I live just makes so much logical sense to me, and being autistic and polyamorous brings me great happiness.