Slut-Shaming in the Polyamorous Community
One of the things that people in the polyamorous community love to talk about is how polyamory is not about sex, but about the loooove. I fully understand why this has become such a focus point: after all, a lot of people hear “polyamory” and immediately associate it with group sex, swinging, or sex cults, and we have to do our job to dispel those misconceptions. Polyamory, literally “many love”, specifically refers to multiple committed romantic relationships. Any purely sexual relations without romantic/emotional investment usually falls under the general umbrella of ethical non-monogamy or swinging.
As a person who is both polyamorous and a swinger, I engage in a lot of casual sex. Most people talk about going through a “hoe phase”, whereas I feel like I never really stopped. I’ve been in a ton of group sex situations, I’ve been to (and hosted) quite a few orgies, and the vast majority of my relationships began as a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement which then led to us falling in love. I almost always have sex on the first date if I feel a connection with someone, because sex is one of the most important things to me in a relationship. My worst dating nightmare would be going on loads of dates with someone, only to find out I’d wasted my time because we had no sexual chemistry. I’m not ashamed in admitting that I would seriously struggle in a sexless relationship, even if my partner was showing love to me in other ways. Simply put, I can have sex without love, but I cannot have love without sex.
“I do not cheat. I do not lie. I am not ‘easy’. I do not sleep around. I love bigger and deeper than most. My heart is simply too big for any one person to fill. I am Poly. I am Love.”
An unfortunate consequence of this “not all about the sex” stuff being thrown around is that a lot of polyamorous people end up accidentally slut-shaming those who do put sex as a priority in their relationships, or who engage in casual sex as well as romantic dating. I saw this image (see right) on a polyamory Facebook group recently, and I was stunned by how many people in the comments conflated being “easy” and “sleeping around” with not being ‘truly’ polyamorous. Some polyamorous people are shockingly prudish about sex considering how much of a hot topic it is – after all, when you have multiple partners you’re having sex with, you have to discuss things like safer sex practices, boundaries around having sex while your metamour is in the house, and what types of sex you’re comfortable having. The polyamorous community also has a significant overlap with the BDSM community, so it’s only natural that sex will come up as an important thing to negotiate.
I am polyamorous, and I am also a slut – and I don’t think those two things are mutually exclusive. Polyamory is not amazing just because you have the freedom to pursue multiple connections, but because you are doing so ethically and honestly. Anyone could have multiple relationships if they wanted to, but what distinguishes polyamory and ethical non-monogamy from just straight-up cheating is the communication and consent between everyone involved.
People being their authentic selves, and talking about it in an upfront and direct way to everyone they’re entangled with, so they have informed consent to engage with you? Now that’s what I call sexy.