15 Common Red Flags in Polyamorous Relationships
EDIT JULY 2023: I was interviewed on the Sex & Psychology podcast about this article (a whole 2.5 years after writing it!) and you can hear an expansion of my opinions in this article as well some of my more nuanced points.
A significant number of polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous people try to claim that polyamory is an “enlightened” or “evolved” form of doing relationships, but the truth is that there are crappy people in any relationship dynamic. Unfortunately, given the lack of education on how to do polyamory in a healthy way, many people abuse the label “polyamorous” and use it as an excuse for flat-out terrible behaviour. Here is a list of relationship red flags that are specific to polyamory to help you stay vigilant in your own open relationships. In addition to this list, I would also recommend you look for general relationship red (and green!) flags, but this list directly addresses problems that can only happen in polyamorous relationships.
1. Forcing double standards e.g. involuntary mono-poly, or One Penis Policies
What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander. If your partner is demanding that you remain exclusive to them while they are free to have other partners, that’s a big red flag. Of course, if you voluntarily choose to only have one partner while they seek others, and are happy with the arrangement, that’s completely fine – but a partner imposing this on you often suggests that they want all the benefits of polyamory while not wanting to do the work it requires, such as processing jealous emotions. You are the only person who gets to choose what relationship dynamic you want, not your partner – and whatever freedoms or responsibilities your partner gets, you also get.
Another common way this red flag crops up is through One Penis Policies. This is most frequently seen between couples made up of a straight man and bisexual woman, where the man demands that the bisexual woman can only have other female partners, but no male partners, because they perceive men as a threat, but not women. (The reverse of this, a One Vagina Policy, also happens but is less common.) This is toxic in three ways: it is misogynistic because it is often based on the subconscious belief that men ‘own’ their women; it is homophobic because the man does not see relationships or sex between women as ‘real’ or valid, and therefore unthreatening; and it is transphobic because it focuses needlessly on banning other people with penises from touching your partner. Spoiler alert: just because a woman (usually) doesn’t have a dick, it doesn’t mean she can’t steal your girl.
2. Moving way too fast
Opening up from a monogamous relationship is a process that can take months to years, and requires a lot of honest and in-depth conversations with your partner. Rushing into it before your partner is ready, failing to set and adhere to boundaries, and not paying attention to your partner’s feelings in the process are all huge red flags.
An important thing to remember is that being polyamorous is not the same as being single. When you’re single, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whoever you want, but when you’re in a relationship, your partner’s needs and expectations must be taken into consideration. It can be frustrating at times, but slowing down, checking in with your partner, and reassuring them when they need comfort can go a long way in building trust to eventually move towards a polyamorous relationship. Always proceed at the pace that both members feel comfortable; it shouldn’t just be one person running ahead and the other struggling to catch up.
3. Refusing to take responsibility for past cheating
Cheating is not the same thing as polyamory, and even if you identify as polyamorous, that does not excuse any cheating you may have done in the past. There is a world of difference between identifying as polyamorous, and actually being in an ethical, polyamorous relationship. A lot of people cheat before becoming aware that polyamory is an option, but end up having successful polyamorous relationships once they realise they can have multiple relationships ethically; others cheat purely because they enjoy conducting their non-monogamy in a shroud of secrecy, and will not get any better at being honest with you even after opening up.
Unfortunately, people often use polyamory to excuse cheating, then dupe their partners into thinking it’s okay when it’s really not. If your partner went behind your back to find a second partner before having a conversation with you about opening up, they have cheated on you. If your partner failed to inform you about other partners they already had while you were supposedly dating monogamously, they have cheated on you. Being polyamorous does not cancel out cheating behaviour – it just doesn’t work that way.
If you’re in a position where you’re opening up because your partner has cheated and realised they’re polyamorous, your partner needs to take responsibility for the cheating and rebuild trust with you before you can get to the opening up stage. Honesty and communication are the hallmarks of polyamory (and any relationship), and by cheating, your partner has violated both of these things. If your partner is claiming that their cheating, which is a clear breach of your trust, was an okay thing to do because they were “expressing their true self”, they are not a person you should be wasting your time trying to open up with.
4. Monopolising your time
If your partner seems okay with polyamory in theory, but then tries to inconvenience you in every way possible the moment you try to form connections with others, that’s a red flag. This can take many forms: starting a fight just before you leave for a date so you’re forced to stay with them instead, being deliberately difficult with scheduling so that you never have time to see other people, calling you during your dates and demanding that you come home immediately despite there being no urgent need for doing so, and so on. They could also be passive-aggressive with you when you come home from a date, leading you to feel guilty for going out in the first place and discouraging you from doing so again because you fear punishment from your partner.
5. ‘Sneakyarchy’
Hierarchical primary-secondary style relationships are not inherently bad, but if your partner has a hierarchical relationship and dupes you into thinking they don’t until it’s too late, that’s ‘sneakyarchy’ (short for ‘sneaky hierarchy’). Be upfront about how far up the ‘relationship escalator’ (dating, marriage, living together, having kids, retiring together) you are willing to go with someone, or if you have any intent on riding that escalator with them at all. Don’t let your partner lie to you about where your future could potentially go, and be clear about whether or not you are on an equal footing with their other partners (or at least whether you aim to build your relationship in that direction). When people inform their partners of secret rules they had established with other partners far too late, this really hurts people who may have put a lot of emotional investment and expectations into a relationship, only to realise it will not go as far as they wanted.
6. Making decisions about you, without you
A good general rule to follow is that the only people who should be making decisions about a relationship, are the two people in that relationship. If you find yourself being informed of changes made to your relationship, or your relationship with other people, that you didn’t agree to, it’s time to stand up for yourself. This can include things like enforcing ‘limits’ on your relationship, or utilising veto power, which is when a person forces their partner to break up with other people. Examples of this include:
“I talked with my wife about you, and she decided that I can’t date you anymore because she’s too jealous. I love you, and you did nothing wrong, but I’m breaking up with you.”
“I know you’ve cleared your schedule for this evening, but my partner randomly told me to cancel plans with you.”
“My boyfriend says I can’t have sex with you. You don’t get a say in this.”
“I know I made you all those promises, but I’ve got to put my husband first.”
A lot of people see this as a problem with their metamours, but this is also a problem with your partner: they are giving into this demand, and failing to stand up for your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone who won’t make you a priority, and will hurt you when push comes to shove?
This can also happen if your partner is trying to control your other relationships by vetoing them in an effort to maintain your relationship with them as the ‘main’ one. If you give in to this, no one ends up happy: the vetoed partner is suddenly dumped through no fault of their own, you resent your partner for forcing you to give up something that brought you happiness, and ultimately, your partner ultimately doesn’t really solve the problem they were trying to fix. The thing is, no one can control the emotions of another, and making someone not do something usually just makes them want it more. If you’re in a situation where you don’t like your partner’s partner, the most you can really do is set your personal boundaries around that metamour: don’t go to the same events and try to keep them out of your life – but controlling who your partner dates or who they fall for is a recipe for disaster.
7. Deliberately causing fights between metamours
Some people just love the drama, and will deliberately instigate fights between their partners purely for their personal entertainment. They may enjoy making their partners fight for their attention and time, which is highly selfish behaviour. Alternatively, your partner may be dating you as a revenge tactic to get back at their partner, leading your metamour to resent you deeply for a situation that your mutual partner caused, and creating lots of drama for you.
8. Dating as a ‘package deal’, using a bait-and-switch, and unicorn hunting
For a more in-depth discussion of why unicorn hunting is unrealistic, unethical, and most importantly, just doesn’t work, read this other article I wrote.
Some polyamorous people also utilise a bait-and-switch technique, such as by duping you into thinking you’re dating one person, and then roping you into a surprise couple date or even a threesome. Alternatively, your partner may feel entitled to your other partners’ time, attention, and bodies – this is particularly common among men with bisexual girlfriends, as they may view their girlfriend’s female partners as objects to fulfill their own sexual desires instead of actual people.
9. Demanding a Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) dynamic
Some partners may not demand that you date or have sex with their partners, but will try to force you to be friends with them. Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) is when everyone in the network gets along well enough to sit down at the kitchen table together, but as with most things, this only works when organically formed rather than when forced. If your partner is demanding that you must befriend or spend time with their partner(s), stand up for yourself and do not give in, and only meet them when (or if) you’re ready. Metamours do not have to meet if either of you do not want to – you wouldn’t force two of your friends who hate each other to get along or spend time together – and parallel poly (where partners never meet) is a perfectly valid and healthy dynamic.
10. Being an NRE junkie, a ‘collector’, or dating despite polysaturation
Some people purely enjoy the ‘high’ of the honeymoon phase in the early stages of the relationship (known as new relationship energy, or NRE), but ditch you as soon as the relationship becomes more serious, or as soon as reality does not match their sky-high expectations. These people are chasing an experience or a feeling rather than a real relationship – watch out for people who have a long string of ex-lovers who they had passionate but short-lived relationships with.
Some people also enjoy being ‘collectors’, where they form relationships with people purely so they can boast about how many partners they have, or how desirable they must be for having so many desirable partners, to others. This is incredibly self-centred and objectifies the individuals they date, as they do so purely for social validation rather than because they genuinely care. Usually, such people are already ‘polysaturated’, meaning they have reached the point where they have used up all available time and resources on existing partners, and should not take on any more. However, they continue to date to feel desired by as many people as possible, but fail to commit in the long run.
11. Taking emotional libertarianism to the extreme, refusing to acknowledge that actions have consequences
A common doctrine that is thrown around in poly circles is the concept of emotional libertarianism, which is the idea that your feelings are your own to manage, and that it is not your partner’s responsibility to manage them. This is true to an extent, but can be taken to an extreme to the point where it can be used as a tool for abuse. An example is when you’re feeling upset or jealous because of something your partner is doing, and you speak up about needing more comfort or reassurance from your partner. Your partner proceeds to call you controlling, or tells you to just deal with it on your own because it’s not their problem. Actions do have consequences, and if your partner does something that hurts you, but then gets angry at you for reacting to what they did, that is emotionally abusive. If you are genuinely hurting, do not suppress your emotions for your partner’s comfort, and stand up for your needs. Compassion for your partner and caring about how they feel is one of the basic requirements of a healthy relationship.
12. Cowgirling/cowboying
This applies more to people who claim to be polyamorous but are actually monogamous. This is when a person tries to force you to leave your other partner, and attempt to convert you to monogamy with them. Alternatively, a person could make promises that they’ll leave their other partner to “be mono for you”. A person could even pretend to date you in order to get closer to your partner and cowboy/girl them instead! This shows blatant disrespect for everyone involved. The whole point of polyamory is that you can literally have it all.
13. Changing, testing, or violating relationship agreements and boundaries (or refusing to discuss them at all)
If you and your partner don’t have clear relationship agreements in place, this can lead to a lot of uncertainty and insecurity later on. If your partner refuses to discuss basic things like how much time you want to spend together, how to reconcile both of your personal boundaries effectively, and even things like safer sex practices, they are probably not worth trusting.
Your partner might make decisions that, while not directly related to your relationship, will still affect you, and fail to discuss them with you. For example, your partner will not include you in conversations that involve you e.g. announcing that a new partner is moving into your house, or that they are going away on a trip that may affect your schedule and plans, leaving you in constant emotional purgatory and not knowing when things will change.
Polyamorous relationships, and relationships in general, require constant check-ins, and any changes have to be made with the consent of all parties involved or affected by the decision. If your partner is retroactively informing of you of new agreements after having violated your trust, or trying to push your boundaries against your will without prior discussion, or deliberately being difficult and obtuse with making concrete decisions, you’ll just end up having a very difficult time not only with them, but also with any other people you may be seeing.
To reiterate what I said earlier, polyamory is not the same as being single, and you can’t just do whatever you want when other people are involved.
14. Not respecting your privacy, or your other partners’ privacy
There’s a fine balance to be struck between privacy and disclosure, and it’s up to you and all of your partners to decide on how much to tell each person, while also respecting the privacy of the people involved. Your partner may demand too much information from you, and ask invasive questions like what you do with other partners in the bedroom, to read your private conversations with others, and other things that not only make you uncomfortable but may also be things your other partner does not want them to see. Be clear about what you are willing and not willing to disclose, and also negotiate with your partners about what they are comfortable with you sharing with other partners.
15. Trying to demand that things be “fair”, being overly calculating about your investment in other partners
This is a sneaky one, and isn’t always obvious, particularly in non-hierarchical arrangements. Some partners may demand that you spend exactly as much time with them as you do with their other partners, and play a game of tit for tat. For example, you’re not allowed to go on a date with someone unless they have also secured a date, or if their date cancels, then you also have to cancel. Dating is not a competition, and if your partner is demanding that you don’t get a good time purely because they aren’t having a good time, that is indicative of serious codependency. It can be tough when two partners have wildly different experiences in the dating world, but the important thing is to be supportive of each other and be happy for each other’s achievements, rather than try to drag them down with you.
Alternatively, if you are dating someone else, your partner may try to pull rank by demanding that you do the exact same things with them as you did with your other partner. A common way this crops up is demanding to have sex with you immediately after you have had sex with someone else, no matter whether you want it or not, in an effort to “reclaim” you.
Here’s the thing – “fair” does not always mean “equal”. Different partners want different things, and while it is totally fair to ask for things that you are seeing your partner do with others, assess whether you are doing it because you actually want that specific thing too, or because you are jealous of your partner’s other partner. Additionally, this is probably obvious, but do not force anyone to do things they don’t want to do, whether in sex or dating.
I hope you find this list helpful, and if I’ve missed any other polyamory-specific red flags, please list them in the comments!
