What Love Languages Do You Speak and Understand?
If you read a lot about relationships in general, you’ve probably already come across The Five Love Languages, first coined by Gary Chapman in his book. While I don’t necessarily agree with everything that Chapman said, the core points are worth focusing on and exploring.
For those who are not aware, or just to recap, the five love languages are:
Words of Affirmation e.g. “I love and appreciate you so much. Your presence in my life gives me great joy.”
Acts of Service e.g. “I’ve done the grocery shopping and the dishes so you don’t have to. I know you’ve had a hard day, so get some rest.”
Receiving Gifts e.g. “I know how much you love this artist, so I got you a signed copy of their latest album!”
Quality Time e.g. “Let’s spend some time together doing something fun – maybe we can visit the new arcade that opened up recently? Or do you want to just talk over dinner and wine?”
Physical Touch e.g. “Come cuddle. You can be the little spoon.”
Different people have different love languages, and it’s therefore important to know what languages your partners and loved ones speak. Otherwise, you might end up in a situation such as the one eloquently put by @KirstenCarrico on Twitter:
“not understanding your partners love language will really have you out here buying expensive gifts for someone who really just wants the dishes clean forreal” – @KirstenCarrico
What a lot of people tend to miss, however, is that how you express your love may not be the same as how you like to receive love. For example, I tend to express my love through acts of service – I enjoy making my partner happy by finding ways to make their day easier. However, while I do appreciate the occasional thoughtful act from my partner, it is physical touch and words of affirmation that really get me: a surprise hug or kiss (and of course, sex) will make my entire day, and a well-written love letter from my partner once moved me to happy tears.
Knowing what love language your loved one is good at will help you with compassionately appreciating the effort they are putting into the relationship in other ways, even if the language they are speaking may not be your ‘mother tongue’. While you should, of course, be trying your best to make them feel appreciated in their love language, they can also help you by looking out for other ways you are expressing your appreciation for them. This is especially useful in the early stages of dating when you haven’t quite figured out how your partner expresses their affection for you. If you don’t, you might end up missing signs of one love language while you were wrapped up in looking for signs of another, and both of you will get upset over a needless misunderstanding.
An example that comes to mind in my personal life is my father. He has never been particularly good with words or physical affection, and has always preferred to express his love for me through showering me with gifts. I learnt to appreciate and understand his love language as part of his stoic personality, instead of ignoring it and agonising over the fact that he didn’t speak mine.
So, when people ask “What’s your love language?”, the answer should really come in two parts: how you tend to express your love, and how you like to receive it. What would your answer be?